WrestleMania 33 – The Novelization!

By Patrick Tedder

Alright folks. I didn't watch the pre-show, but here I am, writing through each match. It won't necessarily be good blogging, but there will be a lot of it.

AJ Styles vs Shane McMahon

Was this match great? Or, was this match Phenomenal?! If you know anything about current wrestling, you’ll get it. Seriously, though, this was an awesome start to the main show. Highlights? Shane and AJ wrestled a technical fashion that only the best can pull off in a manner that looks exciting. Also, the Shooting Star Press? Wow. They got the outcome right too.

Styles wins.

Y2J vs. Kevin Owens

Light up scarf! Y2J uses the catch phrase “DRINK IT IN MAN!” Kevin Owens is a fantastic wrestler and it’s amazing how Y2J doesn’t show his age. He is a true classic. His character is incredibly fun. The match went on a while, but as soon as things got a little dull, something would happen and put this match back on track.

Owen wins. It’s no secret Y2J is winding down his run with the WWE, but it’s sad to see him lose.

Bailey vs. Nia Jax vs. Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte

Tube people! Both at the stage entrance and as Bailey entered the ring. Sasha Banks’ mini car into was boss. Big effort to make Nia Jax look like the modern Chyna. This helped the WWE make her look strong, even after being eliminated first in the four-way match. Next, fan favorite Sasha was sent home. The match comes down to the rivalry of Charlotte and Bailey. The crowd wasn’t thrilled about Sasha being eliminated.

Bailey brings the “Mach Man” elbow and wins the match, retaining the Raw Women’s championship. She’s a crowd favorite and it’s cool to see her leave the night a winner.

Hall of Fame Appreciation Segment

Well done. It’s a great tribute to the folks who have given so much to the WWE. Continuing the “Warrior Award” shows WWE’s commitment to the community and those in need.

Enzo and Cass vs. Cesaro and Sheamus vs. Karl and Anderson vs. THE HARDY BOYS

I put the Hardy Boys in caps because this is the first time they’ve been with the WWE in years. In fact, there were rumors that they would be coming over to the WWE when their contract with Ring of Honor was over, but I don’t know that anyone thought they would be in action so soon. Lots of ladder spots with fans rooting for Enzo and Cass as well as The Hardy Boys. Typically these matches can look like a shit show, but this has been well coordinated.

The Hardy’s win after a high spot in which one of the brothers jumps from high off a ladder onto opponents.

John Cena and Nikki Bella vs. The Miz and Maryse

The “heel” Miz gets a lot of cheers as he gloats and dominates the match early on. It’s not bad, but kinda meh. Ugh.

John and Nikki win. It ended pretty quickly and felt inconsequential … UNTIL John Cena proposed! It’s like this rather blah match was made just so Cena could do that at WrestleMania.

Triple H vs. Seth Rollins

Triple H’s entrance was awesome. Rollin’s attire was cool. This match got fast and furious quickly! It’s not sanctioned by the WWE! Can you imagine if that was actually true? Nonetheless, that’s the story being told. The angle is that Triple H will go after Rollin’s bad knee. It could turn squash as I write this, but Rollin’s looks like a hero for competing anyway. For a man of Triple H’s age … he looks amazing. This is a long a brutal match. A lot of fun. Two great performers bringing the closest I imagine we’ll see to a “street fight” in tonight’s WrestleMania events.

Triple H accidentally knocks his OWN WIFE through a table, letting his hanger distract him and allowing Seth Rollins to pull off the win.

Musical Interlude

Pitbull, Flo Rida and others have the equivalent of a Super Bowl halftime show that’s less impressive than every Super Bowl halftime show ever. The crowd appears to respond more to the fireworks. Kudos to WWE doing something to make this feel like a spectacle.

Bray Wyatt vs. Randy Orton

So … more wrestling. This is a long show, and that’s really going against it for this match. The audience really makes noise when Bray does this trick where he looks back at Orton and they project images on the wrestling match. It’s pretty cool, but it’s a gimmick for an otherwise average and boring match. The announcers are having to cover by saying “this place is in shock … they don’t know what to make of this.” The reality is that the audience is tired after some very good matches. Let’s not forget, I’m not covering any of the pre-show matches that started at like 5:30? It’s a marathon of machismo. I’m currently drinking warm decaf coffee. Damn good coffee.

Ugh. Randy Orton won. Very boring. The fans love Bray and he’s a good worker, but he seems to lose all the time.

Brock Lesnar vs. Golderberg

Already? There are two more matches left. I guess they’re going to let Roman Reigns and The Undertaker close this show out. That’s a match that doesn’t even have a title on the line. Let’s not forget that the crowd is soooooo divided when it comes to Reigns. Brock’s entrance is full of fireworks which is cool. I always love Goldberg’s entrances. The crowd seems a little quiet again. It’s hard to tell though because this is all taking place in an open stadium. Paul Heyman is one of the greatest non-wrestlers in the wrestling business. THIS TURNS INTO AN AMAZING FAST PACED MATCH. It was unclear what the audience would see, but it became exciting in a hurry.

Ended with Brock looking like an animal, but it was alo kind of a quick ending to a match I wanted to see way more of. I think it was still a cover for the fact that Goldberg hasn’t wrestled in a long time. Even with training, it’s questionable if he was still up to putting on a historic match.

Alexa Bliss vs. Naomi vs. Becky Lynch vs. Nattie vs. Mickey James vs. Carmella

Seemed rush. So many women working one match after so many matches to come before it and the crowd seemed to give a pop for Naomi, because she’s from Florida and that was about it.

Naomi wins and the crowd cheers. It’s nice that she got a moment, especially when she was at one point injured and it was unclear if she would get to wrestle in WrestleMania.

Roman Reigns vs. The Undertaker

FINALLY. I write this and it’s 11:30 PM EST. This has been running way too long. Before either opponents’ entrances, it was nice that the WWE had JR comes down to announce this match. Roman Reigns quickly followed and everyone booed the shit out of him. Part of me wonders if we the fans should finally stop. It kind of takes away some of the fun of the show. Roman can be pretty awesome at times and he’s paid his dues … he just had a shitty first push that turned the fans against him. The Undertaker makes his signature slow entrance. That’s not to say it isn’t cool, but ya know … it’s late. That said, this is rumored to be his last WrestleMaina. Crowd quickly starts a “Roman Sucks” chant. It’s nice that this match started so quickly when both men were in the ring. The crowd won’t cheer Roman and seems pretty quiet unless Roman is getting the shit beat out of him. This is a pretty slow match to have so late in the night.

After telling the story that Roman couldn’t figure out how to put The Undertaker away … he did with the same moves he seems to always use and WrestleMania ended. Honestly, this was a sad match, not just because The Undertaker is supposedly retiring, but because it was awful. It was nice that they let this end the night for Taker, but it also wasn’t a match that really drew a nice climax. Taker’s exit was memorable … I just wish creative could have come up with something better to end a rather otherwise very good WrestleMania.